AJ is a strapping and dapper young gentleman. He is often a slave to his whims. Apparently his whims often find him in the sewers of Victoria, British Columbia. There he spends many hours looking for, and wrestling, any tentacled creatures that he may encounter.

   Welcome back dapper reader! I now have for you another helpful instalment of AJ's guide to improbable events. This time I have some information that may not exactly save your life, but it will definitely come in handy; for this week I will be covering the important things that you will need to know in case you ever find out you are a god. You can never tell when you are going to find out that you are part deity and there are some rules to the situation you might not have even thought of. I know what you are thinking: I know what I would do if I was a god. No, you don't and you can trust me there. I can tell that you, dapper reader, are thinking about turning into a duck or a cloud and just impregnating people left right and centre. Although that is something gods do, it is definitely a more advanced god tactic, and there are some fairly important basics to cover before you go off all half cocked and impregnating.
   First thing as always, stop and assess the situation. Figure out what kind of god you are. There are very different rules depending on each. You wouldn't go dancing around volcanoes if you were a sea god, just as you wouldn't make out with a squid if you were a god of potatoes. Due to the fact that there are too many different types of gods for me to cover ill just settle up with the basics which you can apply to each, whether you be an office god or a sewer god, this apply to all of them. I am going to work under the assumption that a strapping young buck like you is going to be a fairly powerful god. The first thing you are going to want to do as a god is establish your reputation. You know how before you found out you were a god if somebody spilled a drink on you or bumped into you on the street you would just let them walk on by. Maybe a person would apologise, but even that was not strictly necessary. Now, as a god, all bets are off. You do not take shit off of anybody. Somebody looks at you sideways, you smite them harder than they can imagine. You smite them unto their 8th generation, guy had it coming. Hell, if somebody so much as says your shoes don't look right with your hair you have to come down on them. Basically you have to treat it like movies and TV tells people to treat life in prison. Nobody is allowed to take your pudding cup under any damned circumstances. If you want people to worship you, they have to know that you are not a god to be trifled with. You want your worshippers to be scared to mess with you, less they be torn asunder. Cleave somebody in twain for nothing at all when you show up on the street. Summon some form of giant monster, maybe a creepy ass-squid to destroy the whole city of the guy who always calls you Buddy. Once your reputation is good and established that you have the power to dole out some harshness, then you have the next step to worry about: being a less-direct dick.
   Alright, so now you've gotten all of that pent up aggression out of your system. You are thinking, what can you do now? Because you have gone and messed up junk pretty solidly; but you still don't think you are ready to throw down some truly godly impregnations. You are in a pickle! Now you have to work on your subtlety. Now you get to knock around some mortals more mentally than physically. Pandora's box? That was amateur work compared to the stuff you can come up with. Personally i have been working on the idea of the 'lightning hat'. Now this hat gives the wearer the ability to throw lightning, but the moment they put it on, CRACK-BOOM, the lightning instantly kills their loved ones and tears through their bowels. Just an idea to get you started. You can even avoid the whole double edged magical item route and focus more on directly effecting people. You know, just cutting down your worshippers to test just how much they worship you. Demand sacrifices! That is another key point, don't just go giving all your guidance to these mortals for free. Always remember, you are basically able to blackmail the snivelling creatures known as mankind with them having almost no way at all to retaliate! Live it up. Release some plagues and some pestilence. The world is your oyster, torture it as you see fit. After that business is taken care of, we can get down to the real work... the impregnating.
   I can tell you are excited, you are basically panting with glee. Knock it off, I'm trying to give you some important info here and I need you focused. Get your head in the game. It may seem like just some easy nonsense of changing into some random form, knocking up somebody and you are free as a bird in a Lynyrd Skynyrd song. Wrong! There are two reasons why it is not that simple: half gods usually turn out to be trouble, and other gods are assholes just like you. It is through the use of these whiney little half-gods that the gods tend to dick with each other. Now let's say you are one of the very very few gods who actually doesn't just ignore their baby momma after rocking her. Let's say you have watched your child grow up and you are pretty darned fond of the little rugrat. Some other god is going to see this. Now this other god probably already hates you, and happens to be a very petty and vindictive dick. Seeing as how we are talking about a god this is a very real possibility. This god is going to mess you up through your kid! I know you are baffled, but keep pace. Gods cannot directly attack each other. It's too honest. You have to do a lot of backstabbing and manipulation, it's how it works. So now your beloved god-child is running through giant mazes or fighting half-dragon-half-ass-squid monsters under the ocean. That child is in Peril. Now this might cause you some stress, really lowers your quality of life. Luckily the idea of you actually liking your child and following its journey is pretty farfetched. You will most likely act much more to your character and simply ignore any mortal that you bun-oven. But now you have a part god child running around all scrappy and mobster killing (see previous instalment 'grandpa' for more info on the child) fatherless and pissed. Now one night this child is going to talk to their parent, who while in a drunken stupor is going to let loose that you were their other parent. Now that young scrappy rage will have a focus; and it is on you dapper reader. It will be a hate torpedo! How to avoid this? Well, knowing you it is possible to just smite your child. I mean it is kind of weird and more than a bit of an ass move. Better way to do it is just not to completely ignore the kid, maybe give it some busy work. 'Hey, you can join me in the god-dome if you...err... kill... a dragon. Fuck it, four'. Simple and direct, just the way you like it. Be warned, it has to be something that they either will not be able to do, or is something that will take them long enough that they might actually be cool by the end of it. Telling them to go get you some bread from the market, that is a bad quest. Now telling them to get some bread from the belly of the ass-squid, that is a damn good quest.
   You are prepared my possible future godling! Go out there and get glowing and flying and transforming and smiting like any good god should. Don't you forget who sent you well on your way either; I always thought you were totally great! Truly I have never said your shoes looked like the product of chemical castration dapper reader, I would never say a thing like that. Tune in next week for episode three: So you are face to face with an ass-squid.

      If there is one thing I have learned over the course of my life it is that I am more prepared than anyone else to handle anything that the world throws at me. Luckily for you, dapper reader, I am not the kind of guy who likes to keep this kind of information to myself. Due to my incredibly gracious nature I will be writing a series of articles allowing you, the common man (or woman if you are so inclined), to also be ready for this wild universe's fancy.

           AJ's Guide to Improbable situations

This week I will be tackling a situation that I have found many of my fellow humans are woefully unprepared for: Finding out you are your own grandpa. I know some of you are probably scoffing at the thought right now. You are thinking "Sir that is utter rubbish!" At this moment you cannot fathom a single time that that would happen. Well have a read, because you are obviously in for one hell of a life saving lesson.
    The one thing that is most important whenever dealing with a potentially volatile situation is the same with anything. Stop and assess. You need to take a minute and look around you. Figure out exactly what it is that you are facing. The rules could change drastically if you are in an alternate universe as opposed to being a time traveller. Psychic projections can also complicate matters.
    First I will dive right in to the most common grounds for this to take place: time travel. You, like the great McFly before you, have managed to throw yourself back through the circuits of time. Somehow you have also managed to end up at the time where your grandpa was nailing the hell out of your grandma. It can happen to anybody. Somehow though, you have managed to knock up your grandma. Now, I can understand, your grandma is a babe; I mean who wouldn't throw down in your situation right? Wrong. I didn't. I drank a cup of tea, and then I left. But you couldn't help but just whip it out and make with the business. Maybe you didn't know? It happens. You never really saw too many photos of your grandma as a young babe and you just didn't realize the girl that you were rockin' on top of happened to share some blood with you. There is only one thing to do in this situation: run with it. Nothing you can do now really. Odds are it was meant to be this way all the time anyhow, you can never really tell with time travel. You could possibly cut and run, nobody would blame you. It is shocking to know that you've sired yourself. Sneak out the window while she is cleaning up, and who knows maybe she will just go and hook up with the dude you thought was your grandpa as a means of covering the whole thing up. It was a different time back then. Now, if that doesn't happen you run the risk of interrupting the flow of time. All of a sudden your dad had his dad run out on him before he was born, he starts getting in fights, all badass and scrappy. Next thing you know he and a stripper kill a mob boss and conceive you while on the run. Then who are you? Most likely you wouldn't be the dapper gentleperson reading this article I can tell you that much. Maternal? Then your mom is the stripper that just killed the mob boss with the scrapper and conceived you on the run. Truly it is a decision you are just going to have to face. Your grandma seems like a pretty nice lady, and she must be a demon in the sack, so why not do the right thing and just settle down with her. It's the only way to respect your lineage.
    When dealing with alternate universe situations you have a lot less to worry about. Now I am not about to say that you are in an easy situation, I am just saying that you have a lot less of an issue with continuity and history. You are not about to start disappearing from your family photos. Depending on the universe you could have many other problems, dragons for one, but those are for a later discussion on dimensional travel and dragons accordingly. What I'm really trying to say here is that you are almost entirely in the clear. Go for it, lay some pipe. Really, it is going to have very little effect on you in your world. You run two major risks though: evil doppelgangers, and loss of face. Now imagine that your sire your parent, they sire you, and all of a sudden there is this other universe you that is the son of a scrapper and a stripper and all full of mob boss killing fury. Now let's say that this you DOES actually end up all crafty and clever as you are. Now he can go from dimension to dimension, or time travelling back in his own. Now he has a powerful hate on for the man that ran out on his grandmother. Seriously, this guy is pissed and gunning right for you. You only have one leg up in this situation: you know that he is coming. Sure that might not help you much if you hadn't read this, but all you need is this one bit of advice. Any man in the world would be stopped dead in his tracks if assaulted with the knowledge of his grandmother's reactions to anal sex. Use this weapon wisely, and only in the most dire situations. Losing face is a lot more probable of the two possibilities. Basically all of your friends and those you hold dear will look cross-ways at you. You did just throw your junk at your grandma, you can't really expect to do a thing like that and just walk away from it without getting some form of backlash from those who know. On top of that there are still all those awkward thanksgiving dinners and family reunions where you now have to look at your real grandmother and know what she once looked like naked. Possibly the most horrifying boner you will ever have.
    This leaves us with one last situation in which you are your grandpa: The psychic projection. There are two ways this can go, and then two ways each of those can go. Projections can take two forms, the active and the passive. Passive you really cannot do much about. You are really just seeing through their eyes, or they are seeing through yours. My one piece of advice, just enjoy the ride. Your grandpa seems like the kind of guy who got up to some shenanigans. Odds are he was in a war, as most grandpas have been, and could have been all jumping over corpses and shooting down helicopters. Both of these are things you will probably never do, so enjoy them while you can. Either that or he is just hammering your grandmother. That can also have some benifits. War hero like him probably has moves you have never even imagined. Swinging from ceiling fans and some other such nonsense that you could just use in the present! The possibilities are endless. Now, he could be watching through your eyes. If it is passive you wouldn't even know it. Best way to deal with this is to always be aware of the possibility that he is looking through your eyes. Are you sitting around doing a whole bunch of fuck all? How would your grandpa feel about that? Odds are he would be ashamed, and crying psychic tears. Every once in a while make sure to spice things up for him, make his journey through your mind an interesting one, jump a motorcycle through the lobby of an office building while doves fly around you. Get creative. I'm sure he would appreciate it. Give him some reason to end all that disdain and revulsion he feels towards you most of the time. Then there is the active psychic projection. The active is when you or your grandfather is basically possessed by the other. This can be a bit more troubling. Just like in the dimensional travelling section you really don't have to worry about messing with the time stream here, but you do have the potential to get in on some grandma action. I wouldn't recommend it. You will still run into the awkward family reunion problem. If you feel the need just go and get in a cross-generational bar fight. Your grandpa always seemed like a fighter to me, so rough it up a bit. He probably will when in control of you. When your grandpa does take control of you there is nothing you can do. Don't panic, that never helps anyone. Just take some notes, how did grandpa handle this situation? Could he have handled it better? Would I have handled it worse? Really it is best to treat that as a big learning experience.
    Well there you have it. I hope that when you are walking down this winding and wacky path that we call life these words will come back to help you. Maybe you should call up your grandpa, have a cup of coffee or a beer and just shoot the shit. Getting to know him will substantially ease your transition into his roll if that ever does happen to occur.